hypatia42: (Default)
Tomorrow I go into surgery to have my uterus removed. We have never been on good terms. I am fervently hoping that its removal will help the rest of my body be in better concert with itself. My mom says, "Oh honey, you will feel so much better."

Last night for Mary's birthday I had sushi but missed the movie after cause I was feeling pretty ooky. Looking forward to that not being an issue any longer. Didn't sleep much over night. Got up today and knew that this morning's breakfast was the last solid food I would have for a day or so. SO I went downtown to get porridge from Hell's Kitchen. They comped it cause I found an onion in it even though I told them it wasn't a big deal and they didn't have to. *shrug* I left a tip in any case. Got my chiro adjustment, dropped a charger off, and came home to start the stuff I needed to do pre-op. Clear liquids don't have to be boring dammit. I haz herbs. :) I will likely make tea later.

6pm starts the now drink an entire gallon of this stuff, 8 ounces every 15 minutes, cause we need there to be nothing in your system before we cut into you. Not sure how that is going to go over. I imagine I am not going to want to leave the house.

Father Bliss was supposed to be coming over tonight to help with the more ritual aspects of preparation for death. He got slammed by school so I am winging it. I have already arranged to have my uterus returned to me post surgery so that aspect of the ritual is taken care of. I think a bath with salts and incense, a little meditation, will probably paint my nails, and I'm mindfully choosing to use the antibacterial wash I have to use as a deep cleanser in my shower tonight and tomorrow. I will take time to honor the death and the birth inherent in this process. *deep breath*

I think if I had had a bit more notice I would have set up an elimination fast like I did for Initiation. Maybe not. This is a different sort of rite of passage. It comes with its own fasting requirements. :)

People are coming over to pet me afterwards. It may shock you to know that I strongly believe in the healing power of touch. Or maybe not. Still, I will be fed and touched and allowed to heal. Its not going to be easy but it will be good.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
A beloved friend of mine lost his son a couple of days ago. 3 months shy of his 21st birthday.

Mike Nichols has been a face in the KC pagan community for years. He has written books that many people on this list have read and still keep in their craft libraries.

He co-taught my first Wicca 101 class. He officiated my wedding.

He declined to ritually celebrate Samhain for years because it was more important to him to be able to take his son trick-or-treating. He devoted so much to Colin.

For those that know him and want to show support, a friend started a candle light page for Colin at http://www.gratefulness.org/candles/candles.cfm?l=eng&gi=Colin
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
"All we know is that death is the inevitable outcome."

This phrase struck me in another post. It struck me as profound and at the same time redundant. Of course death is the inevitable outcome. Its what you put before and after that statement that makes it what it needs to be.

Most people I know fight the truth of that statement with every fiber of their beings. A friend of mine has been frequently heard to say, "I'm going to be the first man to live forever." At this point in my life I am simply grateful I can call that man a friend.

Change is inevitable. We do get to choose how we incorporate that change.

I would like mine to read: We may never know what to expect from her life on a day to day basis. She continues to surprise us. All we know is that death is the inevitable outcome.
hypatia42: (Default)
I woke before I had to this morning. I knew that after a weekend of class I would need to move my appt back to lunch time and had to forethought to do so last week instead of this morning. Its a good day.

Its a beautiful day and I *can* see it.

Death happens. Shock of knowing. The world is changed. True that I am no longer connected to this person because of time and distance but I still feel the impact. Death happens in many ways, even to the living.

Change happens. Decisions made. Change has to happen. Change has to happen or death happens.

Things I learned this weekend, some known, some new;
-It is possible to give of yourself. It is almost never a good idea. *known-good reminder*
-Allow yourself to ask for what you need. *known*
-Push/Pull & Neutral *new*
-The idea that we are spiritual entities who have come into a physical being. *new-more on this later*
-Victim mode disempowers. It removes personal responsibility. *new way of looking at an known idea*
-Warrior is the ultimate place of center. *new*

I've not been listening to my body for too long. Its not been a good place to be for a long time. Not listening has caused damage. No one to blame but myself. Take responsibility. External situation is definitely contributing factor. Too much bottled up to be healthy for anything.

Doing the right thing increases the overall good. Inevitably it is also the hard thing. I feel like it has been my job to do the hard thing lately. I see it needs to be done therefore I do it. I say it. I ask it. Only one person has thanked me for doing it so they didn't have to. That person even said I did it well and with a minimum of damage given the potential in that situation. Some things just need doing. Asking why is it always me doesn't prevent them from needing to be done. I saw it needed to be done and I will do it.

I am looking forward to getting the sword back. I never thought I would say something like that but its true. I believe strongly that to have healthy interaction one must first look inward and be healthy. Let those things that no longer serve me/you or actively fight growth to fall away to allow space for the new things that could be. The pruning has happened/will be happening. What will this growing season look like?

Its a beautiful day and I can see it.


Feb. 10th, 2011 05:16 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
"So many people are into the spiritual rebirth thing they lose sight of the importance of the death that has to come first." E

Things are moving for me. On a level I feel like I am spiritually prepping for my own funeral. Ego death on the horizon. I can feel it come. Things are already shifting in readiness. The exact time is an unknown for the moment. So many people I'm indirectly connected to are making that final transition. Soon.

Its funny. I have a bunch of people I am directly connected to that function as psychopomps. The realms of death are loud and busy and distracting for them. My power, energy, existence are so wrapped up in primal life that death is quiet for me. A gentle and peaceful walk through a deserted land. The perfect place to take all the different pieces of me and arrange them to my liking for now. The parts that no longer serve me get left behind to be recycled for someone else. It is a hugely powerful transformative experience that if I allow it and accept it comes easily and naturally. I'm not sure why I can look into the future knowing nothing about how I will look when I'm done and feel peaceful about it. I don't need to know why. Allowing the peace to wash through me is the best way I know to go with the waves of change.

Knowing is an illusion. Security is an illusion. True freedom is scary and comes with huge personal responsibility. I can fly. Watch me.


hypatia42: (Default)

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