hypatia42: (Default)
I am starting to see myself as an artist. Its funny to think that because arguably I have been for a long time. I have been doing photography since I was 14. Still miss my old film camera but I digress. I am hanging photography at a local art event called Art A Whirl. I have committed to making three new contacts for photography sales in the next 6 months. Pretty sure I can do this thing. I need a few more supplies and to be honest, a better place to have my prints made but I am making it happen. www.amywilliamsscott.com is my portfolio. I suck at web design but I've got some presence.

I often see myself as as undesirable or broken simply because of how many people don't want to be my partner after getting to know me a bit, or a lot. Its stupid. I get that. I have the most amazing husband I could ever wish for. I have a PIC that goes out of his way to make me feel loved and wanted in his life. I have a wife who I love dearly. I have a lover who I miss and who misses me when either of us have time to stop and think about it. Thing is, the only one of those anywhere near me is the husband who travels for work and needs more alone time than I do where as I get more alone time than he does. Not a good combo for feeling whole and healthy and desirable. Add to that, I have no earthly clue how to date. I can flirt. But finding people to date just to see if we are compatible? Mostly if I have gone out with someone it is because I already know we are compatible. I don't know how to find people. I don't know how to do this. I know it requires meeting new people which I am generally good at but here in MN it is just not easy.

I need more sunlight than I get. Realizing how much more energy and vitality I had in D.C. where it was sunny the entire time we were there has left me feeling like I should be moving south. I just felt so much better. Tanning really doesn't fix the problem, it just prevents me from having to deal with it for a while.

Many people don't get or forget that they knew that just because I am a being of light doesn't mean I am harmless. Light burns. I reminded a friend the other day, "Blood doesn't bother me. You are talking to the woman who chose coagulated blood as the inspiration for the dining room wall color." It made me giggle. Like the bunny from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Ash saw it immediately *sigh* and that sends me back to feeling like I am undesirable. I haven't heard from him in weeks. Thinking I just need to cut loose on that one. His words and his actions are not matching up. I can be very understanding about crazy ass schedules but really, total lack of communication is not sustainable.

I got crowned May Queen at Beltane. Kind of a little trippy. Don't believe I have held that job before. I was given the job of finding my joy and being wild again. Break the rules. Let go and have fun. Interestingly, the day I get this is the day I learn PIC will be in town for a month. I might actually get to see him and spend time with him.
hypatia42: (Default)
Working on changing my internal dialogue from "I look pretty good for someone who is 35 lbs overweight" to "I look pretty good." I am trying to just be, no qualifiers. I have evidence from outside myself that this is a true thing. No matter that I can stand up for others when they are not believing in themselves. I always insist that others give themselves a break. Now trying to that for myself. It is good work.

I haven't really heard from Ash in a week and a half. I'm mentally doing okay with this. Intellectually I know that he is crazy busy with work. I have had to deal with this very thing with the Honey enough times that I get how it goes. Viscerally I am getting terrified that I don't fit into his life. Evidence of this? Zero. Insecurity much? At the very same time I am comforted by this since it means that he has a life of his own and isn't going to be co-dependently clinging to my life. It is also increasing my ...esteem? of him? I find him that much more desirable because he is willing to follow thru on his commitments even when it isn't fun, even when there are other things he wants to be doing.

Today I confidently walked down a steep hill in sandals. They were Chacos. So really supportive sandals that won't slip around on my feet. But I did it. Confidently. I was about half way down when I realized that I didn't really even expect to be able to that again. Uphill was a little crunchy and slow but I did that too. The result is a little bit of swelling that no one but me would even be able to discern. A year ago I wouldn't have been willing to attempt it. 9 months ago doing it would have made my foot swell up like a water balloon. I feel that it is now safe to start training my legs to walk in my heels again. I detest flats, it hurts to walk in them.
hypatia42: (Default)
Spring is springing. Plants are pushing up above the soil. I am sneezing.

For my record, it has been 9 days since I got the massage from Dan at my chiro office. I am still covered in bruises. Some of them didn't even surface to the skin level until Saturday. Yes I did tell chiro about it. Dan was out sick so I couldn't tell him.

Today I went to a floral wholesale warehouse. OMG. Ang looked at me before taking me in and said, "This is going to be overwhelming. I need you to focus and not go all ADD on me." Good warning. Wow. I went over there because I wanted to get flowers to put in my hair for tomorrow's adventure at MIA Art In Bloom. It is a fashion floral extravaganza. I am really looking forward to it.

Originally I was supposed to have two people going with me to MIA. Then the Honey got sent to Denver this week. Now Ash has been working 20 hour days to try to finish a contract he has and likely won't be able to get that done in time to go either. I looked at the description of events tomorrow and I am going anyway. It is going to be amazing and wonderful and damned if I can't appreciate it on my own.

Gardening things need to happen but I am not in a rush for that. I have a few perennials that need to be put in and I need to make a plan for the rest of the softscaping we didn't get to last year. I feel blessed that my allergies are no where near as bad as they have been in the past. Thank you OPC3.

Business things are happening. I signed a lease for a 200sqft space that when finished will be absolutely amazing. I have one sublease signed and one other that might be interested. I have purchased a loveseat and am in the market for a couple of lamps. I need to print artwork and get it framed. I need a rug for the floor. I have to wait for the building to get more finished before I can get my business license because inspections have to happen. Ang said she would help me make the space look welcoming and professional.

I have ranunculus on my table. :D
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
Continuing with the language of my subconscious, rebuilding the second floor of a mall after years of neglect is just not easy. I keep picking up pieces of damaged self and examining them for anything worth keeping. Its like picking up and sorting old photographs. "Is there anything not damaged in this one that makes it worth salvaging?" This also means figuring out how to take all of the rubble that has been deemed not salvageable and recycle it, trash it, get rid of it somehow.

I haven't been sleeping well since that dream. I honestly don't know why. Possibly because I am doing Work while I am sleeping. The Honey has been pulled into doing a lot of travel for work again. I'm sure it only seems this way because I am looking at it through the lens of my experience but I feel that his work always takes him out of the state when I need support. I'm scared and I am doing it anyway but it is definitely harder lacking my spouse.

Building a relationship with someone who is actually more busy than I am is scary and comforting at the same time. On one side there is the knowledge that Ash is not going to try to turn me into his whole life, codependent style is not something I can tolerate. On the other there is the question, "Is there room in his life for this?" I cannot make that decision for him. Signs point to him desiring to make the effort that it is possible. Okay. I can work with that. I know he is working on getting into Nursing school tho and I know the type of demands that puts on time and mental resources. I have been in the situation before where a person I was dating really didn't have time for me in their life and was constantly lying to himself and everyone around him about that. Ash isn't like that in my experience. He communicates what is going on. He exudes joy and I gotta say that is nice.

Past performance does not guarantee future results. Each relationship stands on its own and shouldn't be judged by the previous ones. You are the sum of your experiences but that is not true of relationships. You can decide how to interact with each person rather than reacting from a place of fear rooted in the past.

Dubbed Ash

Apr. 10th, 2015 10:24 pm
hypatia42: (pic#245179)
How is it that EVERY SINGLE FUCKING guy I get interested in as a serious potential has some sort of primary connection with the Norse pantheon?!(*^)*#!?

How is it that I am still questioning my ability to trust myself over every single person that comes into my life?

How did I know that I needed to touch the ankle of this male I have never met before and really didn't know even what he looked like?

What made him reach out and from across the pile and start massaging my hand?

All of these are reasonable and yet unanswerable questions. Much like the not really question I had last night of, "I really don't know what to do with you."

I have thought about it thru last night and today. I have told others before, "I cannot promise that I will not break your heart but I can promise your heart will be broken." There is something about that phrase that is really comforting to me. I have had my heart broken before. I survived. I have a good support system. He seems good at communicating and willing to be frankly honest in situations that don't require it. He appreciates my willingness to be the same. None of this sucks.

Artemis told me once that I am afraid to fall. She is completely right. I have had a long conversation with myself today. This Phoenix is due for rebirth. I will fall. I will trust myself to believe that I will either be caught or I will learn to fly.

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September 2017

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