hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I love when I can tell things have shifted from the old paradigm because my dreams rewrite history. That thing that went so badly? You did it right this time. You took care of yourself, you stood up for your needs, you moved on when you should have. Makes me feel like I will get it right next time.

Trying something new. Maybe sparky fire isn't what I want to be dealing with right now. I mean, instant chemistry is all well and good but it can burn you up. Mebbe a nice electric blanket will ward off the chill for a while.

Mom, I keep feeling like there are so many of my loved ones that are in crisis and there is nothing I can do. I know there is nothing I can do but I'm not good at feeling helpless. SO, I'm giving this to you. I can't keep holding on to it and living my life. I hope you can do something good with it.

Week 3

Jan. 16th, 2012 05:01 pm
hypatia42: (Default)
Or perhaps 2.5. The class is 8.5 weeks long but the half was at the beginning. I've had 5 boot camp classes and several days of cardio on my bike. I'm tracking my food intake and trying to stay within reasonable limits. I am burning a lot more calories than I am taking in unless my tracking is way off. I've had enough days off in between now that I have recovered so I can really work tonight in class.

For years I have felt that I look better naked than with clothes on. Don't really have a problem with that until I try to buy clothes. Then it sucks. Last year I lost a lot of confidence in myself. On a bunch of fronts. I'm fixing that as best I can at a pace that feels safe. One of the things I am doing is taking my body back. I realized I had gained weight as a shield. Thinking doesn't really go into what happened. So I am conditioning my body again. Retraining my mind to accept me as I am rather than disliking my body and neglecting it.

I think it started with my hair. That is finally in a shape and color that I prefer. I have some weight to lose but mostly I am looking to tone and get fit. It will help my health and my activity level. I've been sleeping again and that is a boon I had not thought was possible given how long it has been.

The other front that I am aware needs work is being physically close to others. I need it, I know I do. Currently I am having trouble with relaxing and enjoying while trusting that my boundaries will be honored unless I have a long standing deep relationship with a person. Finding new people that I can do this with means trusting new people and that means trusting myself again. I feel a bit like I am holding a puzzle box knowing that it opens and not knowing where to begin. The prize is in the middle somewhere but I just keep turning it over and over puzzling.

You are afraid you will get hurt again. Don't worry. You will. But it will be in a different way with new lessons. You can believe in yourself. You are strong. You don't like to live in fear and this is what your mind has been fighting. There is no need to fear the thing that is certainty. Prepare for it. Move on. Live life.

Gosh when you put it that way it seems so simple. Like becoming complete... all you have to do is put the puzzle together in the right way... after finding all the pieces... and then fixing the ones that got broken... don't be snarky dear, its not becoming Yes mother.

When have I cared about being Becoming?!?!! *headdesk*
hypatia42: (Default)
mostly cause its dark outside and its dark inside and the Honey needs to be able to stay asleep even if I can't.

Went to a birthday party at GB Leighton's Pickle Park this evening for J. Most of the crew from the Seamstress' Guild that I have gotten to know at cons were there. I like getting to know them better.

Listened to a song that [personal profile] dawningday posted for his nephew and started thinking about my niece and nephew that I cannot know. Thinking about the Honey's niece and nephews who are in such a hard place right now and will continue to be. Thinking about R and everything that entails. I was crying too. Thank you dear for sharing.
cut for rambling in the night )
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
My 10th anniversary is today. 10 years married, 16 years together. I'm putting down my phone and walking away from everything else until tomorrow. Something tells me the world will cope without me for 12 hours.

Bridhe told me to put out strawberries and honey on my wedding day. I didn't know then why. "That would be telling," she said. After some work I discovered the hands that have been molding my life from the beginning. Aphrodite is more important to me than words can express. I was asked once why I called to her and the only answer I can come up with is that I don't, she calls me. She is in my life like my breath. There is no denying her.

10 years ago on a hot and sunny spring day in a beautiful rose garden I married my best friend in the presence of family and more friends. It wasn't a perfect day. It was perfect for us though. We made it through our own rite of passage. We promised to love each other and never hold the other back. We continue to take our own paths through life, wildly differing directions from one another, always managing to end up in the same place with the same solution. We aren't really romantic but we have true love.

People ask me how to find love. How to keep love. How howhow... Love is not a limiting thing. The more you love the more you can love. You want love to come into your life, start loving. Start with yourself and truly love yourself and then start truly loving others. The more you have, the more you get. It really does work. Give it a try.
hypatia42: (Neon eyes)
PSA: crying at work is not a good plan. I spent $20 on make-up today just so I could come back from lunch and not look like a wreck. It worked. I look great.

I need to take a good look into myself and my spiritual side and see whats going on. In working with air, there was lots of talking, disagreements, and communication work throughs. I wonder if this moodiness isn't part of the firey shit I've got going on. I know I've been more physically active. Ill as all get out a bit ago, I'm sure that worked a bunch of crap out of my system. Burned to be precise. I can't remember the last time I've had a temp of 103...

I've upheld my vow to dig into what I need to do to take care of myself and found part of the answer. It is going to take courage and drive and passion. Fear is based on the unknown.

Aphrodite says, "Walk the talk dearie. You keep saying that not knowing the outcome is no reason not to try something, you never know, it might be better. The fact that it might also be worse is no reason to not try. If you've decided that where you are is not where you want to be then move to change it. Otherwise you are stagnating and that"s just not like you."

I'm gonna try sitting with this. See if I can really tell where the moodiness is coming from. I know part of it is my body is done with not being taken care of and my job is a huge part of that. Moving forward. I can do this.
hypatia42: (roses)
Do you know the story of my birth?

I was born on the waves of grief.
Washed ashore to bring beauty and love because they bring comfort.
You must cry. I need your tears, for without their saltwater I cannot be born.
You cannot truly know me until you know grief.

Much thanks to Pad macLynne for having a journal to write this down in before it went away

She also apparently feels that passion and compassion are the same thing. They mean no difference in Her mind. Interesting perspective that.

Assignment: Have love in your heart and give love without being attached to an outcome. Less heartache and more possibilities arise when you can manage this.
hypatia42: (Default)
To my amazement you saw me. We two are alike as we are opposites. You too are regarded only by your appearance. No one would have thought you would look deeper in me to find something other than the shallows. I may be affectionate and loving but you are right, I do not love easily or freely. I easily and freely give my love to you, my love. You let me be me, without limits. I can be in the moment with others and enjoy my time there knowing you are my anchor and my balance.

You, the most connected to me of all my loves, are my freedom and my security. I can trust in you for things that I can trust in no one else. You alone are not afraid of the depths of the love I have to offer. You alone simply accept me as I am. We push each other, encourage each other and motivate each other to grow in ways neither would have thought possible. Oh, the things that would not be possible without you. Let them talk, and laugh, and think what they will. You are secure in yourself and in our love. That is all that matters.

The fear you lack gives me strength to give more love to others who may fear it. You give me support when others turn away from that love they want and need so badly that they run from it. You stood still in the face of that need, surrounded by love and let it into your life, accepting the changes that it would bring. That you put up with the distractions from work which is your life amazes me still. You put your passion into you crafting and still you are devoted to me. As I am to you. You are wonder and amazement to me.

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