hypatia42: (Fire from water)
So today I made candles with a bit of help and a lot of stubborn. 12 hours I was on my feet. In this instance stubborn might be equated with stupid. W and Pixie child helped.

I have three totes of candle making supplies. One for tools, one for wax, and one that has both. It is serious tetris skills to get it all to fit. I cannot carry them any longer. This is not a hobby that I can do by myself. Everyone knows I do it and gives me their leftover wax. But no one wants to help make it into not leftover wax. Its is physically hard on me.

I looked at W at one point and asked her, "everyone else is content to buy candles. Why is this so important to me?"
W says, "Because you are the light."

Now this is something that she has been saying to me for years because I said something like it a long long time ago. I think at the time she was appalled but now it just is the way it is. I'm a torch. Ok. But dammit, it is easier to be that when there are more around to light the way with me. It is bloody tiring. Not to mention those people who think stubbing their toes in the darkness is tres cool and that I am a simpering idiot for choosing paganism lite. Can't hack the darkness. *eyeroll*

I think I am tired. We are coming up on the hardest time of year for me. Imbolc to Ostara is always the darkest time. Snowy, cloudy, wet, and cold. I will survive. I always do. But going into it already spent is non-ideal. Luckily my Imbolc present will be to get my freedom from teh boot.

hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I'm doing better this year than I was last year. By this time last year Michael had been in Paris most of the year and I desperately needed support. Badly enough that I skipped town and went to stay with P&M for a long weekend.

This year my surgery recovery has been so different. I'm still in the boot, which I wasn't this time last year, but my range of motion is back and I don't typically have much pain. I got cleared last week to go swimming so I did that over the weekend. For the first time since before Thanksgiving I felt freedom of movement. Even with muscle atrophy I am still a stronger swimmer that the Honey. This makes us both laugh.

I need to work harder at remembering that he and I have very different strengths and weaknesses. His strengths often seem more applicable in day to day life but that doesn't mean I don't have any. Comparison is the thief of joy and all.

It has been sunny enough on some days that I am not completely losing my mind. I'm hoping I will be gone for the worst of it in March. Going to Hawai'i is a dream come true. I honestly never thought I would make it to a place in life where it was a possibility. I don't care that it is made possible by perks from Michael's work. I am still going. Doing what I can to not feel guilty about that too. Such a strange place in my head.

Small things bring me joy and that is really for the best. I just had ramen for the first time in Years. I don't know how many. Gluten Free ramen. I made the broth with chicken stock from my own freezer. Dear gods that was good. I should remember the brand...

Candle making is happening next weekend. I need to get things set up for that.

That's about it for now. Love.
hypatia42: (Default)
Recovery is strange. I don't like, but recognize the necessity of, opiates. Set myself a timer. Take them regularly. Avoid break-thru pain. Makes pain management much easier. However I am constantly feeling the not fun side effects of drunk all of the time. Nausea, head spinning, inability to concentrate or focus, general loss of time. It all sucks.

I have "some" staples in my ankle right now. Still don't know if they will be able to give me my hardware back but the call is in to the dr, all prayers that this is easy and happens quickly are welcome. I'm excited to see the xrays of the bone at my check up next week. Everyday it gets easier to walk, really the hardest part about walking is the staples rubbing on the boot.

Both of the spice girls are cuddling with me and holding me down a lot since I got home. They are sweet little things.

I feel like I want to get things done but really I don't have the energy. Hell, I was gonna get caught up on Arrow but keeping my attention for long enough to watch an entire episode seems challenging. Usually reading can hold my brain when nothing else can and it just isn't right now. *see opiates

Buying clothing online is a royal PITA. I hear so many people talking about how nice it is. It rarely works well for me. Even paying for custom fitting it is just a cluster ***k. Coat and three shirts going back. At least the coat will be coming back in the right size without extra shipping costs. Grr.

Once I'm off of opiates I am going to have to hit the weight loss journey hard core. I do not like that the last three years/three surgeries have seen my weight rise 30 lbs. Just when I recover enough to really get going again I feel like I get knocked back down. I know that everything I did this year to get back in shape will make it that much easier to recover from the latest surgery. I also know that I am going to need a kick in the pants. How to do that in a boot is my current question...
hypatia42: (Default)
Every once in a while I come across someone one or something in my life that takes me back to The Four Agreements. I am struck by how such a tiny book creates such a lasting impact in me. I should thank E for sharing it with me.

One of the TAs in my last cranio class came up to me and said thank you for being myself because she didn't like me when she first met me and then she realized that it was just her stuff staring back at her that she needed to deal with. My take away from that; I don't need to know that sort of info and I am unlikely to share that type of info even though I am likely to be in the same place as she was at other points in my life.

My ankle recovery is progressing really well. I'm really tired right now but I am weeks ahead of where they said I would be. I'm not even "supposed" to be out of the boot cast yet. I can walk almost normally and I am working on balance on my weak ankle. I still sit a lot but not as much as I was a month ago. I am paying attention to my body and honoring my limits while still working on expanding my abilities. Overall it is working. I am glad. Did I mention tired?

Two weeks ago the Honey was in Paris. Last week the Honey was in Denver. This week he is in Paris and again and next week he will be in London. *deep breath*


Jan. 15th, 2014 01:21 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
I am still discovering I am not saying things out loud when I thought I had. Its still hard to concentrate on things. I go wool gathering and it is hard to pull myself together again. I still get really tired fairly easily. I am still neurotically nervous that someone is going to trip over/step on/re-injure my foot, especially in larger groups and busy places.


I had dinner last night with GD. I managed this by myself and was not completely wasted when I got home.

All of my appointments this year by myself. Those are getting easier to deal with as well.

I've had sex more times in the past week than anytime since Nov, which is to say "at all."

People are contacting me about when I will be working again. No need fear the business will fail.

ROM is getting better daily. I defy my PT and say I will get full ROM back. SMIB!

I have a place to go while the Honey is gone for two weeks abroad. *relief*


Jan. 5th, 2014 04:14 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Thus begins my week without home support. I have something planned every day. I have movies to watch and a library of books, most of which I have read but keep because I will read them again. It is frighteningly cold but I have food to last me the week and the walks are clear for when I need to get out. Its not supposed to snow, nor get above zero I think.

We were cuddling earlier and I mentioned that it was very hard to get him to slow down long enough to actually cuddle with me. He got to to get something, slipped on the starch he had sprayed earlier and spent then next 30-45 min mopping the floor and cleaning the kitchen. All so I wouldn't slip and to make it easier for me while he is gone this week. Ideally I could have said, "let me do that after you leave. I would like to spend this time with you." I can't do it myself though. And because he would be terrified I would slip and fall and not be able to get help because he will be in Paris he mopped the floor.

Because he will be gone I will do my very best to remember to eat, to turn up the thermostat when I'm cold, to take my allergy meds, and to feed the cats(physically more difficult that it usually is). I will do this because he worries and because he loves me. I don't want him to worry. I will probably forget to do all of these things at some point this week. He knows this. He trusts me to take care of myself to my best ability though.

Bean tenant is going to be out of town as well. Alone in the house until Wed. Its a very big house to be all alone in. Glad the Spice Girls are here with me.

Continued prayers and energy are welcome. My next ortho appt is tomorrow at 3:45. ~~~ Healthy rapid healing. ~~~
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
According to everything they have to measure these things I am doing really well. The surgery was super easy, the ligaments were not a problem, and the syndesmosis was still intact.

I remarked to the Honey a couple of days ago that this was like a horrible vacation that I keep expecting to get home from and everything will go back to normal. I miss working with my clients. They have all been super nice about the sudden change and I need to find a couple of people I can refer them to while I can't work. I have been out of the house twice since getting home from the ER, once to meet with the ortho and once to have surgery. The Honey pointed out that minus the ankle breaking I was describing his perfect vacation.

M came over and washed my hair on Tuesday...maybe Monday... and it was amazing. She had the brilliant idea of laying me down on my massage table so I didn't have to try to support myself in some awkward position for way too long. It was blissful.

The Honey picked up a couple of things from Goodwill/Easter Seals. They have a medical equipment loan program. I might be able to get my body clean because of the bench shower thing they had available. Its been way too long with too much stressful things happening for me to be anything but stinky.

I remember being told several times by several different people, "I'm telling you this now but you aren't going to remember it." Not sure why the amnesia portions of meds don't work so well on me but it does seem to be a thing.

Being on narcotics kinda prevents me from being able to focus my brain. Constant ADD Sx is not something I am used to. I mean, it is, but I have ways of getting my brain together and working on things. Those tools seem to be inaccessible right now. Example: I started writing this an hour and a half ago...


Dec. 2nd, 2013 09:09 pm
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
two doses of fentanyl, two doses of dilaudid, and two percocets in just over two hours. IIRC the first dose of fentanyl went through me in about 5 minutes which is when they gave me the second and went in search of something longer lasting.

I was kinda fucked up.
hypatia42: (Fire from water)
Saturday 11/30/13 I didn't pick up the broom that I knocked over when I walked in because my hands were full, I just got done with a mall shift, and I was exhausted. Poor choice.possibly graphic description )

This evening wonderful people are coming over to help me wash my hair. One has this crazy idea to use my massage table to make it as comfortable a process for me as possible.


hypatia42: (Default)

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